What does correlate highly with sex offense is a strict, repressive religious upbringing. Richard Green too has reported that both rapists and child molesters use less pornography than a control group of “normal” males.

No researcher or critic has found the opposite, that exposure to pornography—by any definition—has had a cause-and-effect relationship towards ill feelings or actions against women. No correlation has even been found between exposure to porn and calloused attitudes toward women.

Ultimately, there is no freedom that can’t be and isn’t misused. This can range from the freedom to bear arms to the freedom to bear children (just look at “Octomom”). But it doesn’t mean that the freedom of the majority should be restricted to prevent the abuses of the few.

(This opinion belongs solely to the author and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Good Sex Network.)

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/07/24/o.women.watching.porn/index.html

I’m amazed that so many women indulge in porn…one in three visitors to porn sites are female…about half the business of porn videos comes from women.

It’s refreshing to know the truth. More and more women are okay with porn. They enjoy it. And with their endorsement, porn becomes more respectable.

(This opinion belongs solely to the author and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Good Sex Network.)

The author, Sharene Azam, interviewed a large number of young women across the country (and their parents) and gathered substantial data about current social mores. Today’s young women (and young men) have a very lax attitude toward sex. For example, they think holding hands is *more* intimate than oral sex!

Young women also “prostitute” themselves at a very early age. They’ll sleep with older boys for money or designer goods or special favours. To them, it’s no big deal.

These revelations got me thinking: Is it such a big step from this situation to young women growing up to become prostitutes or working in the porn industry?

Obviously, the answer is no.

Should it surprise us, then, that there are so many women anxious to enter the porn industry to make their fortunes? Again, the answer is obviously no.

The reason this issue was raised in my mind was because some while back, I saw a Christian website that claimed women were being exploited in the porn industry. We were told that women in the porn industry had been abused as youths and that’s why they were vulnerable to exploitation, why they would lower themselves to working in such a degrading industry.

When Azam delved into this question, she found that these young women were NOT abused. They came from regular middle-class families and were perfectly “normal.” The fact that they would sell themselves sexually was simply a reflection of the current cultural milieu. It was a sign of the times.

This puts the lie to such Christian groups who attack the sex industry. Not all women are being exploited. Many are voluntarily choosing to work in the industry, and in many cases, that’s their ambition!

Consider the call girls who charge thousands of dollars for their services, eg, Ashley Dupré who serviced Governor Eliot Spitzer. Did she look like she was being exploited?

How about the famous Bunny Ranch in Nevada where hundreds of young women happily make good supplementary income? (They don’t work full-time. They do other things in their life and come to the ranch to work in short two-week stints.)

The distance that prostitution needs to go to achieve respectability is not as far as you might think.

Ditto for exotic dancing and the porn industry. Is it too much to hope, then, that perhaps we are witnessing a growing social enlightenment with regards to sexuality?

I welcome your comments and input.

(This opinion belongs solely to the author and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Good Sex Network.)

Take this test:

1. Where exactly is your lover’s clitorus?
2. What is its purpose or function?
3. How far behind a man’s arousal is the average woman?
4. What usually indicates a woman is aroused and ready for penetrations?
5. How do you tell if a woman is having a real orgasm?

Answers:

1. Above the urethra.
2. Pleasure-stimulation.
3. About 20 minutes.
4. Vaginal lubrication.
5. Sex flush on the chest & body hair erects.

Well, even knowing all or most of this unfortunately won’t guarantee that you are a great lover, but at least you show an interest in matters sexual, and that is a good base.

The truth is that we guys can be a great lover with one woman, and less so with another, or even on occasion with the same one who usually makes us feel great. Yet we want to be perceived as a good, even great, lover. It makes us feel warm all over if we know our partner respects our lovemaking and generally is open to, and eager for, us.

To be or become a good or great lover takes dedication, and an acceptance that while our sexual drive is inborn or innate, how we express that drive is a learned skill. To learn well requires an open mind, and in matters of love, an open heart.

Unfortunately, ingrained in the male psyche is the notion that men need to prove themselves sexually. That is a sad truth. Sad, because it creates pressure on men to perform.

I say to all my patients: sex is not a performance; it is adult play, and a (potentially) profound form of communication.

I say to men: if you feel the need to prove yourself sexually, you are then either with the wrong partner, or with the right partner at the wrong time. The ideal would be for a man (or woman) to go to bed with a partner and not to know whether their loveplay will lead to intercourse. They will flow with the moment and enjoy whatever unfolds.

In my view, the essence of being a great lover is the same as what makes a person a find, mature human being.

Among the important ingredients are: authenticity, congruence, empathy, communication ability, creativity, spontaneity, playfulness, and self-confidence.

These are not qualities we are necessarily born with. Nor do we really reach an endpoint where we say O.K., now we have arrived, “we’re great.” It’s a process rather of becoming, evolving toward these objectives. And, by the way, the same qualities apply whether you are a man or a woman.

Let’s briefly look at these ‘greatness’ ingredients…

Authenticity implies the ability to be real. This is hard to define, but people in contact with you have little difficulty sensing it. An authentic person seems solid, well-grounded, secure. It is the opposite of the poseur, the image conscious cool man, or woman, pre-occupied with how they come across. The authentic person rejects the popular saying ‘image is everything.’

Congruence is a cousin of authenticity. It means that you talk the talk, and you walk the walk. Your mouth and your body say the same thing. You act in accord with your feelings, and you are in touch with those feelings you are expressing.

Empathy is a crucial attribute of mature functioning. Your ability to feel what another person is experiencing, or has gone through, enables you to be a moral person. This helps one to make right choices. Without empathy, morality and thus civilization could not exist.

The ability to communicate is fundamental to nurturing relationships. This applies especially to feelings, and unfortunately is again not a ‘natural’ ability of every man or woman. Yet, we have feelings all the time, but the ability to identify, label and express them can take a lifetime to develop. Certainly, those lucky enough to have had parents or teachers who listened and validated feelings through their growing-up years are very fortunate.

Creativity is a welcome attribute in many human endeavors, and sex is no exception. Unfortunately, many of us growing up don’t get enough support or encouragement to be creative. Indeed, school and life often teach that conformity is the safest way to get by, if not ahead. Further, it does not help that the most readily or easily available models for sexual activity come from porn. These materials, produced factory-like by actors paid to perform on cue, are regrettable and at times harmful sources of ’sex education.’ Yet, I see many men (and some women) whose sole access to sexually explicit information came from porn videos and magazines. There are better quality, yet still explicit, materials emerging that validate male-female intimacy, and downplay the ’sex is a performance’ notion, but they are still rather hard to find. A helpful resource on the Internet is drsommers.com.

Spontaneity and playfulness can be considered together. They are the salt and pepper of a good intimate/sexual relationship. With this attitude, lovers can go beyond set times and places for playful erotic interactions, thus creating an atmosphere of surprise and the thrill of the unexpected.

Joanne, an attractive, 35-year-old executive, came to see me with a common problem — she wanted to be able to orgasm with a man. Her last relationship — a 5-year marriage, ended when her husband left her with the complaint: I can never satisfy you. But, she says she actually liked having sex and never complained — yet her husband remained unhappy. He needed to know that he made her come, and thus feel he was a good lover. This attitude is regrettable. Joanne was, and is, an intelligent, sensuous woman who can turn many a man’s head. Of course, the more pressure she felt to come, to perform to expectation, the harder time she had to surrender to her feelings and experience orgasmic release.

So guys, let’s lighten up. We’re not, nor should we expect our partners to be, trained seals, or sex machines with a variety of buttons to be pushed. In truth, no one can make anyone else ‘come.’ Each person allows ‘it’ to happen. If not, this too can be learned.

Now, Joanne, after some treatment, has developed the ability and confidence to have one or more orgasms. She recently met a man she finds very sexy. After a number of dates, she felt comfortable to invite him to stay the night. He was, she says, hungry, a bit “like a bull in a china shop.” With her newly acquired knowledge and confidence, she gently started to guide his hands and convey to him clearly how and where she found his touch most pleasurable. Since she found him open to her feedback, even (wisely) thankful for her guidance, she found the whole initial lovemaking attempt satisfying, though she did not orgasm. No matter. She learned not to become a prisoner of expectations, hers or her lover’s. She now knows that good, gentle guidance, and open communication is the way to establish a mutually satisfying intimate relationship.

The situation with men is no different. Stan, 26, was a stud and proud of it. Tall, slim, athletic, he wore a winning smile and had the gift of the gab. Women were drawn to him and his major problem was whom to choose as his bed companion after an evening out with his buddies at a well-known neighbourhood singles bar.

When I saw him, he was strikingly handsome, but not smiling. In fact, he was downcast, almost crying, as he complained about his failure to perform one night with a ‘hot number.’ He felt devastated and desperate. “Why did this happen to me?” he asked, and “will it ever come back?”

Based on experience, I was able to reassure him that if he goes through treatment and conscientiously does my assignments, he’ll regain his ability to function. But I made it clear that our aim was not to make him able to perform as a stud. Eventually, he came to realize that his previous behaviour was rooted in basic insecurity, which constantly needed reassurance.

Going through the treatment program, Stan learned to realize his potential as an intelligent adult lover able to give up the compulsive need to prove himself, and to live up to some perceived ideal. He became more selective, and was surprised to find sex much more enjoyable.

So, after 30 years of treating couples and single men and women with sexual difficulties, it is clear that sexual health is a complex interaction of physical and psychological factors. Neither can, nor should, be neglected. For example, no matter how considerate a partner you are, how well you communicate, if your personal hygiene habits leave something to be desired — forget it.

What makes sex so fascinating is that it is the ultimate mind-body experience. Sometime, experiment and explore. Touch your lover’s face as you look into their eyes and try to breathe in tune with them. Another time, make complimentary remarks in a low, murmuring voice, such as “I love the way you smell (move, etc.).” Try to make a point of sharing your feelings with your partner, and encourage them to do the same. Above all, remember that developing an exciting sexual relationship can, and usually does, take time. And once you achieve it, it takes tending to, nurturing.

Those without a partner now need to use this valuable time as preparation to become a great lover. Develop those attributes in yourself that will make you a mature adult, and thus a desirable love partner. By doing this, you will send out signals that will attract more suitable, complementary partners. Then together, you will embark on one of life’s most joyous, rewarding activities. You will be dancing among the stars.

One final point to ponder. There is only one organ or body part in females (and none in males) whose sole purpose or function is pleasure. It is called the clitoris. Great lovers never forget this.

- Dr. Frank Sommers

With her perky and effervescent personality, she charms you into feeling comfortable with the subject material. There is a palpable authenticity about her. She’s very comfortable in her own skin. (This is more than speaking figuratively — as host, Katie appears totally nude in these HBO specials.)

The HBO specials are:

1. Katie Morgan on Sex Toys
2. Katie Morgan’s Porn 101
3. Katie Morgan’s Sex Tips: Questions, Anyone?
4. Katie Morgan’s Sex Tips 2: Any More Questions?

I highly recommend them. Look for these shows on cable television (esp. this month on HBO Canada). Request that HBO re-air them.

Here’s a nice interview with Katie (go to HBO.com), where she shows her healthy and exemplary attitude toward sex.

(This opinion belongs solely to the author and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Good Sex Network.)

Here’s a lovely Valentine’s Day message from The Onion:

I Love The Idea Of My Wife

(This opinion belongs solely to the author and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Good Sex Network.)

(This opinion belongs solely to the author and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Good Sex Network.)

He has been having difficulty getting and keeping erections for the past year or two, with the problem getting gradually worse. He and his girlfriend of 3 years called it quits recently. He felt sad, angry, and hurt, especially when she said in frustration, “you can’t even get it up.”

His past history was also not unusual. Around 18, shortly after starting intercourse, he noticed a creeping ‘fear of performing.’ A need to prove himself as a capable, skillful lover pushed into his awareness more strongly with each new relationship. Especially, if the girl was attractive.

He has been to doctors. Some told him “it’s just anxiety, you’ll get over it.” One prescribed Yohimbine (he was 19), and it helped a bit, but only for a short time.

A highly advertised ’sex clinic’ taught him how to inject his penis, and then switched him to Viagra. These gave him erections, along with headaches and altered vision, plus cost a bundle. (I jokingly call it ’sex tax.’)

He keenly wanted to be free of medication, but had difficulty recalling when he last had intercourse without medication.

Significantly, he awoke with firm erections often, and had no difficulty masturbating to ejaculation.

He liked sex, and women, and exercised 3 to 4 times a week. He also did weights. He had a secure job, which he liked. He hoped to someday marry and have a family.

Well, several weeks into our treatment program, using no medication, John is well on his way to being a changed man. Some of my patients say a miracle has happened. I don’t argue with them, but only wish more people would realize that help for sexual problems exists, without the need for drugs. But you have to take the initiative to find a reputable specialist who knows what they are doing.

I hope to offer some help (or at least motivation) to readers like John within the limits a column like this offers. But, I recognize many single men (and women and couples) have all kinds of issues they are dealing with which don’t require a therapist. How to please a woman, how to communicate effectively, how to get a couple’s desire in sync are just a few of the many issues we can explore.

Everyone has to get to know some basic facts about sexuality. Education is a major key to a happy sex life. Most people don’t realize that our basic sexual attitudes are formed at a very early age. If we are lucky, we have parents who feel comfortable with their own sexuality and teach children from the ground up, in age-appropriate ways not only accurate information, but also attitudes. For example, being comfortable about nudity within the family will help children feel a sense of comfort about their own changing bodies as they grow.

Raising children with “penis pride” and “clitoral consciousness,” as my eminent colleague Dr. Yates puts it in her classic book, “Sex Without Shame,” would help to nurture a sexually healthy society, I believe.

If Mary and Steve, an attractive couple in their early thirties, had come from this kind of positive background, their five-year marriage would not have been close to ending when they came to see me. Mary was turned off sex, and Steve was climbing the walls. Along with her sex-negative upbringing (”be careful with boys, they’re only after one thing,” her mother used to say), Mary dreamed that “saving” herself for marriage will fulfill all her sexual longings. Unfortunately, Steve’s sex education came mostly from watching porn videos, and he was puzzled at Mary’s turn-off at his “expert” technique.

My treatment of this couple went back to fundamentals and, after about ten sessions, both felt re-born, re-committed, and in love. I treasure the picture of their baby they sent me about a year later.

Certainly, over 25 years of practice, I have seen how relieved people can be when they realize their problem is not unique, and are happy to find there usually is a solution. I feel gratified to be working in a field where I can offer help to people in such a sensitive area as their sexuality and love life.

I invite you to send in sexuality and relationship questions, make comments, share your interests and concerns. Chances are you will discover that you, too, are not alone.

- Dr. Frank Sommers

- RKE

(This opinion belongs solely to the author and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Good Sex Network.)

Sex and money are intimately related. First, money is one of the chief ways of getting to sex. Think about how women are attracted to wealthy successful men. Think about how men attract women by showing off their fancy sports cars and going to posh expensive restaurants.

And, of course, in prostitution, money is used to buy sex.

Second, sex is one of the chief strategies of getting to money. Think of gold diggers and gigolos. Think of the sex trade industries. Think of how sex is used by the advertising industry to sell products.

Third, money is often at the root of marital/sexual problems. Money worries can cause stress and anxiety, which in turn can lead to sexual dysfunction. Money problems are often major stressors in marital relations. Statistically, we know that money issues are the #1 cause of divorce.

So money is an important topic when it comes to sex. And if we are to fix the current crisis, we need to understand money, how it works, how it is created, and how we got here.

(This opinion belongs solely to the author and does not necessarily reflect the views of The Good Sex Network.)